| A Mother's Story - Looking at the Wedding Through a Mother's Eyes |
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When my daughter became engaged, we embarked on the once-in-a lifetime experience of planning her wedding. It was an amazing time as I watched my little girl prepare to enter the next stage of her life as a young, married woman. Although I teased her about what size tiara I would get to wear as “Mother of the Bride,” I knew this day was really hers and I did everything I could to guide, support and celebrate this milestone in her life and ours as a family. Even though the average cost for a wedding is reported to be around $30,000, a beautiful wedding can actually cost much less. As with all things financial, the wedding budget can be a sticky subject. Some things are going to cost more than you think and, sadly, very few things will cost less. Try to have a range in mind and help your daughter prioritize what areas she and the groom consider to be essential and which areas are more flexible. In our case, my daughter and her fiance were adamant that they would not cut down their guest list even if it meant having a less elaborate reception. Knowing the priorities ahead of time makes it easier to create a wedding budget that reflects the wishes of the bride and groom. Knowing which expenditures are lower priorities also helps when it is time to make decisions on how the budget will be divided and spent.
With the approach of the wedding, the reality of the changes about to occur can really impact the family dynamic. To say it is a time of mixed emotions is an understatement. In spite of your own feelings of excitement and sometimes sadness (otherwise known as “my baby girl is getting married” syndrome) remember it is your daughter’s wedding first and foremost. It’s easy to get wrapped up in the excitement of the event and completely normal to have opinions regarding the many facets of planning a wedding. I worked very hard to keep my opinions to myself unless asked. I’m not sure my daughter would agree with that statement, but I really did try. At least I tried to be diplomatic when expressing my thoughts. Another aspect of wedding preparations that can really bring emotions to a boiling point is deciding who will be invited to the celebration. Creating the guest list can be an especially tricky time for the bride and groom and their families to work cooperatively without getting stressed out. There are a lot of politics involved in deciding who should be on the list once you get past the obvious names. It’s also important for your daughter to include her future mother-in-law in the planning process whenever possible. This not only helps with things such as adding the groom’s relatives and family friends to the guest list, but it sets the groundwork for good relationships and cooperation after the wedding too. Just like the old saying about it “taking a village to raise a child,” you and your daughter will need the help of many people to make the wedding and all the related festivities happen the way you envision them. As you and your daughter begin to visit with vendors for flowers, her dress, photography, musicians, caterers, and the other components of a wedding, observe how each vendor interacts with your daughter. We ran into a few vendors who really listened to my daughter and made sure what they were offering matched with what she was expressing to them. Other vendors approached our requests with a response that basically boiled down to “this is how we do weddings, take it or leave it.” Listen carefully and choose vendors who are going to pay attention to your specifications and match their services to what you are requesting from them. In one bridal shop, my daughter was actually told that she would either have to pick a color or a dress designer, and that if she had the bridesmaids in a variety of dresses and hemlines, the “wedding pictures would look terrible.” Needless to say, we did not purchase any dresses from that shop. Even if the clerk does disagree with your choices, they need to be courteous and tactful. Remember, you are the one paying them. When the news of the engagement and approaching wedding reaches your friends and family, you’ll probably get lots of offers for help. Use your friends and acquaintances as a network to find recommendations for vendors. Between our contacts through family members and friends, we were able to create a wonderful team of people that worked very hard to make my daughter’s wedding an extraordinary day. Our pre-wedding activities included many impromptu gatherings of friends and family members who helped us put wedding invitations into envelopes, tie bows on reception favors, and other tasks that needed to be done. Many hands really do make light work and we had a lot of fun in the process! One person was I was not expecting to include on our wedding team was a professional wedding consultant. My daughter and I are both organized and creative people and we initially thought we could easily handle all the decorations and details connected to the wedding. When we started really breaking down those jobs, we realized how much work it was actually going to be for us to purchase, rent, or borrow decorations, vases and so on. Using a wedding planner eliminated a huge amount of work, expense, and effort for my daughter and me. Besides providing beautiful decorations for the wedding and reception, our wedding planner was our “wedding day manager,” handling questions, making sure everyone and everything was in place, and handling a myriad of details. I’m sure a large part of the happiness and lack of stress we enjoyed on the wedding day was due to the skillful efforts of our wedding planner working behind the scenes. Thank you, Sara! Please consider using the services of a professional planner to minimize the work and the stress of handling all the details yourself. Even under the best of circumstances – with the most wonderful mother-daughter relationship, the sweetest groom in the world, the most skillful vendors, and a lot of time to get everything done – planning a wedding can have its ups and downs. There are always stresses, glitches, and problems that pop up in between moments of joy and excitement. Weddings and wedding planning involve all sorts of emotions so it’s wise to be aware of that and not be too upset if you encounter a little rough sailing along the way. Don’t panic. Work through the issues as calmly and as quickly as you can, and remember to enjoy the planning as much as you enjoy the wedding day and all the days that follow. As exciting as the wedding day is, remember to focus on the marriage. It’s a day that marks the beginning of a new chapter in the life of your family. Keeping an eye on the big picture also helps with the inevitable letdown that comes once the wedding itself is over. The wedding day will come and go, glitches will happen, some things won’t go exactly as planned while others will go much better than you had ever hoped. Regardless, it will still be a beautiful and fabulous day for your daughter and you!
Janice White
Image courtesy of M Photography. 
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Sometimes, even for the most organized among us, the whole wedding planning process can seem overwhelming. The important thing is to make lists. We were fortunate to have an 18-month engagement so we made lists of everything pertaining to the wedding. We kept a large binder and filled it with lists, color swatches, invitations and programs we had saved from friends’ weddings and receptions, decorating ideas, tentative guest lists, shower lists, specific photos we’d like to have of the wedding party, and so on. As we jotted things down, we were able to rely on our lists instead of our memories, which helped keep our stress levels down. Making lists also helped us to feel productive in the early stages of the engagement and made us much more organized later on when it was time to spring into action.
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